A woman stopped by unnanounced at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediatley walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in- law laying on the couch totally naked.
Soft music was playing , and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Justin to come home from work,"the daughter-in-law answered"
But you naked the mother-in-law exclaimed!
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? but your naked!"
"Justin loves me to wear this dress," she explained.
Every time he see's me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours.
The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch for her husband to arrive.
Finally her husband came home.
He walked in and saw her laying there provocatively.
"What are you doing he asked?"
"This is my love dress" she whispered sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said, What's for tea? :lol: :lol: :lol:

*** Breaking News ***

Pakistan have replaced Bob Woolmer as coach of pakistan with Gladstone Small.




Like to see em strangle that fecker :)

they have also given up cricket in favour of bob sleighing :lol:

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

A man went in the pub for a drink and the most beautiful girl ever walked in gave him the eye came over and started chatting him up, after a while the girl started to get suggestive and said to the man "Give me £30.00 and i will do any thing" as long as you can describe it in three words, so the man reached for his wallet immediately and counted out three crisp ten pound notes, looking very chuffed with her self the girl asked the man what his desires were, and in thre words exactly he said "Paint My House" :D :D

PHARMACY NOTIFICATION........ As of March 2007 viagra will only be available under its chemical name, please ask your chemist for mycoxaflopin.

A wife moans to her husband, "A bull can manage sex 365 days a year!" Husband replies, " Yes but it doesnt have to shag the same cow every day"

Two nuns are driving down a road late at night when a vampire jumps onto the bonnet.
The nun who is driving says to the other, "Quick! Show him your cross."
So the other nun leans out of the window and shouts, "Get off our f*cking car."

How do you kill an entire circus? Go for the juggler

A girl is standing at The Gates Of Heaven when she hears horrible screams of pain and torture coming from inside.
She says to St. Peter, "What's going on?"
He says, "That's the sound of new angels getting big holes drilled into their backs for their wings, and small holes drilled into their heads for their halos."
She says, "Heaven sounds terrible. I think maybe I'd rather go to Hell."
St. Peter says, "In Hell, you'll be constantly raped and sodomized."
She says, "That's okay. I've already got holes for that."

What's the difference between tampons and cowboy hats? Cowboy hats are for ass holes.

A guy sits down in a Cafe' and asks for the hot chile. The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl."
So, he gets a cup of coffee. Then he sees that the guy next to him has finished his meal, but the chili bowl is still full. He says, "Are you going to eat that?"
The other guy says, "No. You can have it."
The guy takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, he sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes the chili back into the bowl.
The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too."

How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex? One of his fingers is clean.

[QUOTE="Av it",Apr 1 2007, 02:05 PM] PHARMACY NOTIFICATION........ As of March 2007 viagra will only be available under its chemical name, please ask your chemist for mycoxaflopin.

A wife moans to her husband, "A bull can manage sex 365 days a year!" Husband replies, " Yes but it doesnt have to shag the same cow every day"

Two nuns are driving down a road late at night when a vampire jumps onto the bonnet.
The nun who is driving says to the other, "Quick! Show him your cross."
So the other nun leans out of the window and shouts, "Get off our f*cking car."

How do you kill an entire circus? Go for the juggler

A girl is standing at The Gates Of Heaven when she hears horrible screams of pain and torture coming from inside.
She says to St. Peter, "What's going on?"
He says, "That's the sound of new angels getting big holes drilled into their backs for their wings, and small holes drilled into their heads for their halos."
She says, "Heaven sounds terrible. I think maybe I'd rather go to Hell."
St. Peter says, "In Hell, you'll be constantly raped and sodomized."
She says, "That's okay. I've already got holes for that."

What's the difference between tampons and cowboy hats? Cowboy hats are for ass holes.

A guy sits down in a Cafe' and asks for the hot chile. The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl."
So, he gets a cup of coffee. Then he sees that the guy next to him has finished his meal, but the chili bowl is still full. He says, "Are you going to eat that?"
The other guy says, "No. You can have it."
The guy takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, he sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes the chili back into the bowl.
The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too."

How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex? One of his fingers is clean.
Very good AV-IT would expect the standard to be high off you, i do like the machanic one :lol: :lol: :lol: .

A Dustman knocks on a Japanese mans door.
The Jap say's" Harro, wot u want?"
Dustman asks "Where's your bin?"
"I bin on loo" say's Jap
No mate, Where's ur dustbin?
"I dust bin on loo" say's jap
"No, no mate where's ur wheelie bin?"
"Hokay, I wheelie bin having a w@nk"

A couple take on an 18 year old girl as a lodger. She asks if she can have a bath but the woman of the house told her they did'nt have a bathroom and she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.
"Thursdays are the best night, when my husband goes out to play snooker." she said.
So the girl agreed to have a bath the following thursday.After her husband had gone to the pub for his snooker match, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass did'nt have any pubic hair and told her husband when he came home.
He did'nt believe her so she said,"Next week i will leave a gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself".
The following monday, while the girl again got undresed, the wife asked "Do you shave?"
"No," said the girl, "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hairs?
"Oh yes", said the woman and she showed off her great, hairy mooff.
When the husband got back in, she asked"Did you see?","Yes" he said, "but why the hell did you have to show yours?"
"Why ,she said you've seen it all before"
"I know, he said, "but the f**king snooker team had'nt!!!" ;)

topical as well B) B) B)

a little girl goes to the barbers with her dad and stands next to the barbers chair eating a cake while her dad has a hair cut the barber smiles at her and says

youre going to get hair on your muffin

she says i know and im going to get tits too you dirty old bastard !!!!!!


a man out driving kills a deer and takes it home and cooks it for dinner
but does not tell the kids what it is
he tells them i ll give you a clue
its what mum calls me sometime

the little girl screams out loud

dont eat it its a fecking arsehole !!!!!!

probably the best one :lol:

last one.....

Rob feckin love em :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

one more

;) :lol:

Husband and wife in bed together.

She feels his hand rubbing her shoulder.

She says "Oh that feels good".

His hand moves to her breast.

She says "Gee, honey that feels wounderful"

His hand moves to her leg.

She says "Oh, honey, dont stop."

But he stops.

She asks,"Why did you stop?"

He replies. "I've found the remote"

:lol: :lol:

What goes; "CLICK- is that it? CLICK- is that it? CLICK- is that it?"


A blind person with a Rubixs cube.





B) B) B)

A father passing by his teenage daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was neat and tidy. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the centre of the pillow. It was addressed "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:-

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing to you, but I'm leaving home. I had to elope with my new boyfriend Wayne because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mum. I've been finding real passion with Wayne and he is so nice to me. I know when you meet him you'll like him too - even with all his piercings, tattoos, and motorcycle clothes.
But it's not only the passion Dad, I'm pregnant and Wayne said that he wants me to have the kid and that we can be very happy together. Even though Wayne is much older than me (anyway, 42 isn't so old these days is it?), and has no money, really these things shouldn't stand in the way of our relationship, don't you agree?

Wayne has a great CD collection; he has use of a caravan on the old farm and has a load of old firewood for the whole winter. It's true he has other girlfriends as well but I know he'll be faithful to me in his own way. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too.

Wayne taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and he'll be growing it for us and we'll trade it with our friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Wayne can get better; he sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your loving daughter,

Rosie.

At the bottom of the page were the letters "PTO". Hands still trembling, her father turned the sheet, and read:

PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbour's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my school report that's in my desk centre drawer. Please sign it and phone when it is safe for me to come home. I love you!

:lol: nice one nick :lol:

A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He realized she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo she took the seat right beside him.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in the United States."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded.

"I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.

" Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"

Well," she explained, one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.

We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed.

"I'm sorry," she said.

I really shouldn't be discussing this with you; I don't even know your name!

Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos.
But my friends call me Paddy."

A blind man enters a Ladies bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender: "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says: "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - giving that you are blind - that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 feet tall, 160 LB. blonde woman with a black belt in Karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and then declares: "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times".

good un m8 :lol:

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on .... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

>An Octopus walks into a bar and says "I can play any musical instrument
>you like".
>
>An Englishman gives him a guitar, which it plays better than Jimi
>Hendrix.
>
>An Irishman gives him a piano, which it plays better than Elton John.
>
>A Scotsman throws it a set of bagpipes.
>
>The octopus fumbles about for a couple of minutes without a sound from
>the bagpipes and Scotsman asks, "what's wrong, can ye no play it"?
>
>The octopus says, "Play It? I'm gonna bonk her brains out once I get her
>pyjamas off

After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then
the pilots review the gripe sheets right before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some of the actual maintenance complaints submitted by the Qantas' pilots (as marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (as marked with an S) by the maintenance engineers.

By the way, it is relevant to note that Qantas is the only major airline in the world that has never, ever, had an accident!

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in the cockpit.
S: Something tightened in the cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of a leak on the right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume reset to a more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: The number 3 engine is missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after a brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one saved for last......

P: Noise coming from under the instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget. B)

Joke of the day : Rob's performance at snooker last night!!!!!!! Stevie Wonder playing with a broom stick would have played better snooker.

sorry "Fritz 107" :lol: :lol: :lol:

Why men have better friends - Friendship between Women: A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it. Friendship between Men: A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.



It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a five pound note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the fiver for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you." He said, "fook him, give him a fiver." The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

Woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches
I've been having
all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me
to stand in front of a mirror,
stare at myself and repeat:
I do not have a headache
I do not have a headache
I do not have a headache.
It worked! The headaches are all gone."
The husband says "Well, that is wonderful."
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of
fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see
if he can do anything for that?"
The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his
clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says,
"Don't move, I'll be right back."
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed
and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
With that, he goes back in the bathroom, but this time, his wife
quietly follows him and there,
in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
"She's not my wife.
She's not my wife.
She's not my wife!"
His funeral service will be held on Saturday!

A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a BJ there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free." The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!"

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n .
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.!
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whate ver you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes

A young woman had been taking golf lessons all week long. She`d just begun her first game of golf when she suffered a bee sting.

Her pain was so intense, she couldn`t continue her game. She decided to go back to the clubhouse and get some medical attention.

Her golf Pro saw her enter the clubhouse and asked,"Why are you back so soon?" What`s wrong?"

"I was stung by a bee," she answered.

"Where?," he asked.

"Between the first and second holes," she replied.

He nodded his head knowingly and said,"Then your stance is too wide." ;) ;) ;)

A man went to pick up his date but he was having some trouble with his flatulence system, in other words he couldn't stop farting so when he had to wait for the young woman to get ready for the date he sat on the lounge and let out just a little fart when the dog hopped onto the couch with him. He figured that the parents would think it was the dog. Every time he farted the young girl's parents told the dog to get off the couch and so the man kept going, finally he let rip and the parents finally told the dog to get off the couch before the man sh*t on him!

A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, She sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?" "Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"

The couple had been married for twenty years. It was a happy, wonderful marriage, except that the wife was very unfaithful. The husband finally got so tired of her unfaithfulness that he made her promise to never again be untrue to him. One day he came home and found her in bed with a midget. He cried out, "My wife, my love, after you made all those promises, I find you in bed with another man, and a midget at that!" She replied, "My dearest husband, the love of my life, do you not believe me, do you not see, do you not understand? I am tapering off."

Two men are sitting in the doctor's office. The one looks at the other one and says, "What are you here for?" The man replied "I have a red ring around my pecker, What are you here for?" The other man said, "I have a green ring around my pecker." The doctor called the man with the red ring first in his office and examined him. As he was walking out he told the other guy it was no problem. The doctor called the man in with the green ring around his pecker and examined him. The doctor says, "Your pecker is gonna fall off and you are gonna die". The mans says, "What?? You told the man with the red ring he was ok, but I'm gonna die??" The doctor said, "Yes but there's a lot of difference lipstick and gangrene!"

did you hear about
the jewish kamikaze pilot crashed the plane into his brothers scrapyard

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be
alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.
Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer."

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female
sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted.
After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's
savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship."
In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the
unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment
referred to as "marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam
after beer is admi nistered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know.


If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it,
there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your
shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.

A MAN ESCAPES FROM PRISON WHERE HE HAS BEEN FOR 15 YEARS.

HE BREAKS INTO A HOUSE TO LOOK FOR MONEY AND GUNS AND FINDS A YOUNG COUPLE
IN BED. HE ORDERS THE GUY OUT OF BED AND TIES HIM TO A CHAIR. WHILE TYING
THE GIRL TO THE BED HE GETS ON TOP OF HER, KISSES HER NECK, THEN GETS UP
AND GOES INTO THE BATHROOM.

WHILE HE'S IN THERE, THE HUSBAND TELLS HIS WIFE: "LISTEN, THIS GUY'S AN
ESCAPED CONVICT, LOOK AT HIS CLOTHES! HE PROBABLY SPENT LOTS OF TIME IN
JAIL AND HASN'T SEEN A WOMAN IN YEARS. I SAW HOW HE KISSED YOUR NECK."

IF HE WANTS SEX, DON'T RESIST, DON'T COMPLAIN, DO WHATEVER HE TELLS YOU.
SATISFY HIM NO MATTER HOW MUCH HE NAUSEATES YOU. THIS GUY IS PROBABLY VERY
DANGEROUS. IF HE GETS ANGRY, HE'LL KILL US. BE STRONG, HONEY. I LOVE YOU"

TO WHICH THE WIFE RESPONDS: "HE WASN'T KISSING MY NECK. HE WAS WHISPERING
IN MY EAR. HE TOLD ME HE WAS GAY, THOUGHT YOU WERE CUTE, AND ASKED IF WE HAD ANY VASELINE.
I TOLD HIM IT WAS IN THE BATHROOM.

BE STRONG HONEY. I LOVE YOU TOO!!"

Morris and his wife Esther went to the seaside every year, and every year Morris would watch the helicopter giving pleasure flights and say,

"Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."

Esther always replied,

"I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty quid, and fifty quid is fifty quid."

One year Morris said,

"Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."

To this, Esther replied,

"Morris that helicopter is fifty quid, and fifty quid is fifty quid."

The pilot happened to be walking by and overheard the couple and said,

"Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty quid."

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard.

He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said,

"By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Morris replied,

"Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but as you know, fifty quid is fifty quid."

....are all playing golf with their wives.

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and as she bends over to place her ball a gust of wind
blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

"Good God woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford to buy any".

The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says,
"For the sake of decency here's $50, go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee.
Her skirt blows up to show that she is wearing no undies.

"Blessed Virgin Mary woman! You've no knickers - why not?"

She replies "I can't afford any on the money you give me." He reaches into his pocket and says,
"For the sake of decency here's $20, go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over.
The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she too is naked under it.

"Hoots Mon woman! Why are ye no wearing knickers?"

She too explains, "You dinna give me enough housekeepin' money ta be able ta afforrrd any."

The Scot reaches into his pocket and says,
"Fer the sake of decency, here's a comb, tidy yurrrself up a bit."

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
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Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist plod?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
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I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.
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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Don't tell my wife at the snooker presentation or i will be dead meat :o :o

Marriage - Part I

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady
and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what
time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner
to be on table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll
go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies
and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just
understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night
....whether you're here or not."

(DAMN SHE'S GOOD!)

************************************

Marriage (Part II)

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day
of their 40th wedding anniversary!

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you
a headstone that reads:

"Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever "

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die,
I'm getting you a headstone that reads:

"Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last"

(HE ASKED FOR IT!)

******************************

Marriage (Part III)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight
at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And
you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.

After some time, he realizes he was nasty and decides
to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many
rings, and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long
to answer the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?"

"Getting a second opinion!"

(YEP, HE HAD THAT ONE COMING, TOO!)

******************************************

Marriage (Part IV)

A man has six children and is very proud of his
achievement.

He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling
his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's
time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave
as well.

He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home
'Mother of Six?'

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion,
shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

(RIGHT ON, LADY!)

**************************************

Marriage (Part V) The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at
home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the
man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him
at 5:00 am for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and
LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00
am" He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover
it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to
go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of
paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

**************************************

God may have created man before woman, but there
is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.